Husband and his drinking causes problems in our marriage?
My husband stays sober for months, however every once in a while he has the urge to drink, leaves the house for a few days to party, and when the party is over he’s crying how he made a mistake and I always take him back. But now I’m tired of his routine, I love him, but I don’t want to be used as a door mat. I want him to stop drinking and he does for a few months but then gets the urge and really goes on a drinking binge. Any suggestions?
27 Responses
Holly
28 Aug 2010
special_ed
28 Aug 2010
rehab, counselors, church, he needs to finds jesus
Jamie
28 Aug 2010
Stop feeding in to him….he knows he got you and you are not going anywhere. Next change the locks on the door. If that doesn’t stop him then you will have to leave the marriage. He will not change unless he has a good reason not to. For him why should he change a good thing going for him?
Mark K
28 Aug 2010
He needs to join AA.Seriously.Your name says it all.
bearcruiser1
28 Aug 2010
Yes. Therapy. Drinking is just the symptom… You’ve got to address the problem.
oldncrabby
28 Aug 2010
Attending Al-anon meetings helped me. There is nothing you can do to control his drinking. All you can do is help yourself.
Premo Mom
28 Aug 2010
Bing drinking is also alcoholism. My ex husband did this, he didn’t fit the criteria for inpatient rehab, but he did go to intensive outpatient. Offer rehab to him and if he goes great, and if he doesn’t then you have a tough choice to make. My heart is with you.
Lynn
28 Aug 2010
Wait……….he leaves the house for "A FEW DAYS"! come on honey…you deserve better – what exactly do you think he’s doing while he’s off partying? I mean really, think about it. What exactly IS he apologizing for.
If it were me, I’d kick the sorry loser out! Stand up for yourself!
Mechelle C
28 Aug 2010
My father is an alcoholic and that is why my mom divorced him…He cannot be all that sorry if he keeps doing this partying for days. So do not let him use you like a door mat.
My Mom could not make my father stop drinking, no one can make someone stop drinking, alcohism is a disease and he needs serious help and he has to be committed to getting that help, if not, he and his stuff should be on the door mat outside your door.
I know, I know!!
28 Aug 2010
I put up with that crap for years from my first husband. Trust me, they will either completely stop, or they will steadily get worse. Tell him the next time he pulls that little stunt… dont come back home, EVER!!! Think about it, when they are off drunk there is no telling what they are doing! He could bring an STD home to you. Good Luck to you. I hope things work out for the best.
SKYDOGSLIM
28 Aug 2010
Get him to attend a meeting of alcoholic’s anonymous in your area. he will know if he belongs there. you can attend al=anon also in your area and meet other people with the same issues that you have. there is strength in numbers and those programs really do work. good luck and God bless you.
~Lil Miss Dynami
28 Aug 2010
send his ass to AA and get some counceling….. if you dont then be prepared to head to divorce court…… You are his wife take the car keys and not let him go…. If he can go for months without drinking he is not an alci…. he is just doing it because he knows you will allow it and he will have a place to come back too… tell him you do this again and you will have no home to come back too and stand your ground.
Brandy
28 Aug 2010
That isn’t healthy for the relationship. Tell him, he needs to get help, or you can’t stay. you can try to talk to Dr.Phil. He will find out why he wants to drink, and how to stop him.
rollng_thundr
28 Aug 2010
I think you’ve known the answer all along.
What would you adivise someone else to do under the same circumstances?
That’s what you should do.
fucose_man
28 Aug 2010
Tell him that the next time he disappears on a drinking binge that he is not welcome to come home. And then follow through.
Help him through kicking his habit completely – no more drinking at all – ever. When I say "help" I mean support, because you can’t do it for him. If he won’t take the lead, you cannot help him.
Keeping it quiet
28 Aug 2010
Aren’t you getting a divorce? Just leave the jerk and find someone that will treat you like a lady and love you like a wife.
Moonshiner4
28 Aug 2010
Well Darlin, I would have to say that regardless of how long he goes without drinking, he is an alcoholic. As long as you keep enabling him to do as he pleases at the time he decides to do it, it will never stop.
You are going to have to decide what you want for the rest of your life. It is a hard decision to make, but one that will benefit you the most. Life is too short to be constantly dealing with never knowing when the next binge will happen. Maybe if you actually do something to keep him from coming back the next time, he will get the picture. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what we do to try and wake them up, they never seem to realize the problem.
I have been there with an ex and I know how heart breaking it can be. We just have to finally realize enough is enough, and get on with our life. There are programs out there that can help you both. Alcoholics Anonymous is just one of many.
uncle_loco@sbcgl
28 Aug 2010
let him know that you will not tolerate it anymore. tell him to get some help, there is plenty of it out there. and if he does it again, dont open the door for him. maybe something will click then.
sophia_of_light
28 Aug 2010
That’s hard! Follow your heart and I’m not saying put up with it, I’m saying only you know how to help your self here and you need to start caring about you first for awhile…
I do have a suggestion you could move out; if you own the house or own it with him pack his stuff and tell him you’re serious this time and there are no more changes, He or you need to move out temporary – take a break and gather eachothers prespectives…. This is only going to turn on the burned out lights (for him)… Or Burn new ones out (for you)… "It will make you or break you"- the marriage! You might learn something about yourself and really realize you don’t want or need this and you may want to quit all together or you might say o.k. and you might realize he needs the help of AA and try one more time again…. But the time away from one another will clear things up…
Good luck, hope all turns out the way you want them to once you find out what that is…. Best wishes for you….
mafiabosscements
28 Aug 2010
1. He need professional help. 2. you keep taking him back your feeding into his bads habits.3.get a restraing order that he abused you in his drinking, then with court order have seek help through hospitals, working on farms, a small boot camps where they must say sober,4. then have a doctors evaluate him if he alright to be at home. 5. leaving it alone cause more anger, fustration, and could lead to someone getting severly hurt, or death.6. you don,t need cops up your @ss 24/7.7. I hope you don,t have kids cause it bad to see an acolholic fight with there mom.8.Tired of the same shits do somethings if you love him.9. I see you need a loving person a provider, and a good husband. 10.HONEY if you going to live a miserable life dump the bastards , cause no womens should live in fear rather he going to alright or dead drunks.
sd_danandy
28 Aug 2010
Fedup I am confused, did you take him back? I saw your previous questions.
christy
28 Aug 2010
Honey, I am in your same situation. My husband has to do everything with a beer. But I can say that he never leaves for a few days to party. However, you can’t help someone stop, they have to WANT to do it. Now, if he knows he made a "mistake", don’t you think that he would want to fix the problem. If he truly loves you, he would see how unhappy you are and realize what he needs to do. I know you love him, because that’s what I ALWAYS say. But you also have to think about diseases out there that he may possibly bring home to you if he’s gone for a "few days" to "party" (we’ve all heard of Girls Gone Wild, you see what they do on those dvd’s). Maybe try to find something that you both can do together that could steer him in the other direction to not drink. I wish you nothing but the best. Good Luck!!
Jane
28 Aug 2010
He needs AA. And you need to stop enabling this behavior. He knows that you will take him back no matter what he does. If he is gone for days at a time, how do you know he’s not screwing prostitutes. He could bring you home a "present" you don’t want.
Next time he does it, while he’s gone have the locks changed and tell him he needs to go elsewhere until he can get his stuff together.
georgia k
28 Aug 2010
very close to my situation… you hear the " im sorrys", you hear the " i promise stories"… i have learned to distance and detach myself from my husband. The hope we build up in believing that the drinking will stop, only becomes a false hope once again and hurts become harder and harder… soon to be replaced by pity, disgust and just not even wanting to be around this person. Sure we have tried and tried to help, but in the end, we cant do a thing for them… its their battle. Its up to them to reach out for help. By realizing that all these "monkeys" on his back are his, not mine to fight off has only helped me to become the stronger.
badcat
28 Aug 2010
Quit giving in to him.He does this because you let him.He knows there will be no consequence for his mistake because you will keep taking him back. Stand firm with him and don’t let him off the hook anymore.And don’t take any excuses from him.He can quit permiatly if he wants to he just doesn’t want to.I speak from experience here my Father was a drinker for over 30 years and never stopped because everyone would make excuses for him.Everyone except me that is.I cut all ties with him and refused to allow him to my wedding.I called him out about his behavior and about the abusive way he treated all of us.I made it clear to him he had no family left if he didn’t stop.He poured his vodka bottle down the drain that day and has been sober for almost 15 years now.So you see they only exhibit these behaviors when they are allowed to.As for you hubby if he won’t do this one simple thing for you he isn’t worth wasting your life on.My poor mother tried for years to keep her marriage to my father going because she thought it was her duty to keep the family together and all she ended up doing was wasting 30 years of her life on a drunk.It isn’t worth wasting your life and ruining your personal happiness over someone who rather cuddle up to a bottle than you.Best of luck.
anywho
28 Aug 2010
I have been in the same situation (for years) please —if you have no children consider getting rid of him. He WILL NOT STOP THIS. This will continue and possibly get worse. It is so hard to leave someone that you love. Are you willing to do this every few months for the rest of your life.
Sarita UHR
28 Aug 2010
The only one who can change this is you. Set a boundary and stick to it. Go to Al-Anon or therapy to get support. Check out my blog called, “Alcoholic Spouse Advanced Help”. i think you will relate to the posts. The web address of this blog is http://alcoholicpouse.net. Good luck.
Prepare to be gone the next time he goes on a binger. Tell him ahead of time that if he does it one more time it will be the end of the marriage. He won’t believe you as you have already showed him that you will continually take him back. OR you could have the locks changed.